Pat the dill and chives dry with a towel. Chop them fine with a sharp knife. Dry herbs cut clean instead of bruising. The bits should be the size of a grain of rice and still bright green. When they look dark and wet, the knife is crushing them, so sharpen it.
Push both cloves through the garlic press. Scrape the paste off the bottom with a knife. The garlic should look like a smooth, wet paste with no chunks. Big bits bite hard in cold dressing, so mince any leftovers again.
Cut the lemon in half. Set one half in the citrus press, cut side down, and squeeze. The half flips inside out, and juice runs through the holes. That flip also squeezes oil from the peel, so you get more lemon smell. Pick out any seeds.
Add the yogurt and mayo to the bowl. Whisk until they fully blend. The base turns smooth and glossy, with no white streaks. Mixing these two first keeps the thick yogurt from clumping later.
Whisk in the granulated garlic, granulated onion, pepper, salt, cayenne, and MSG. Then stir in the garlic paste, dill, chives, and lemon juice. The ranch should look pale and flecked with green, like thick sour cream. Too thick? Whisk in 1 teaspoon of milk. Too thin? Add a spoon more yogurt.
Dip a carrot stick and taste. Add more salt a pinch at a time. It will taste a little gritty right now. The dried garlic and onion have not soaked up liquid yet. Hold off on more garlic at this stage.
Spoon the ranch into the jar, close the lid, and chill for at least 2 hours. Overnight tastes best. The dried bits soak up moisture and soften, so the grit fades away. The taste turns rounder, and the ranch thickens a bit. Stir it before you serve.
